I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
