i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
