She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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