dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
