I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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