The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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