I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
