Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
