I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
