I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
