I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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