i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
