I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
