All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
