How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
