when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
