I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
