Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
