On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
