Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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