My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
