I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
