This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
