You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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