I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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