Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you inspire me to be a worse person
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
