I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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