so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
