i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
