I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
