I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
