he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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