i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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