I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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