i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
