Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
