She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
