I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
