dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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