WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
