mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
