hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
