the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
