Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize