At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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