If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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