I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
