...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
