she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
