this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
