make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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