If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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