Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
