mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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