im having a threesome with these popsicles
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
