heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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