so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
