Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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