u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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