things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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