cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
