yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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