It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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