I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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