You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
