Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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