and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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