Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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