happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish you could order shots online.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
