pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I need to align my fucking chakras
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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